Realizations Past Due
by trusuprise
Summary: Sana's thoughts and feelings during episode 60: Love Awakened After Loss. Spoiler Alert.


Legal Disclaimer: All "Kodomo no Omocha" references are copyrighted by artist Miho Obana and Sony Music Entertainment of Japan. This is an amateur non-commercial story, which is not produced, approved of, or sponsored by the holders of the trademarks/copyrights from which this work is derived. The views expressed herein are solely those of the author.   
  
A/N: This is just a short, one-shot fic set during Episode 60: Love Awakened After Loss. This is written in Sana's point of view. If you haven't seen up to this episode, turn back or be spoiled.  
  
Realizations Past Due  
  
This damn letter. I've been trying to write it for almost the entire three months I've been on location. I feel like I haven't seen him in a billion years. For some reason I had a hard time thinking of what I wanted to say to him. I looked down at the words I had written to Hayama.  
  
[Hayama, will you help me catch up with school again? Yeah, just like you did in sixth grade. I want to go back to school again soon. There's a lot of things on my mind right now, but everything is going well. When you see me again, you'll see the better actress, Kurata Sana. Ah, I'm just kidding. So keep doing well.]  
  
When I read it back to myself, it sounded so fake. It wasn't me talking, it was the mask I wore speaking for me. I pulled out a fresh sheet of paper and on it, I wrote what was really on my mind.  
  
[Hayama, there's actually a lot of bad things happening. I hurt my leg. There are bad rumors about Naozumi-kun and I, but there's really nothing between us. Sometimes I think I want to hear your voice. If you could just tell me to do my best, then I really could.]  
  
Looking at my real thoughts, I was happy that I had expressed what was really on my mind. I sealed the envelope and hoped to send it out the next day. Hayama.  
  
* * *  
  
Rei had set me down on a beach chair underneath a tree. I kept telling him that my knee was okay and I could walk by myself, but still he insisted on pampering me. The cool shade was a relief from the warm sun as it's strong rays filtered through the canopy of leaves above me, leaving splotches of light and dark below.  
  
I pulled the letter to Hayama out of my robe and handed it to Rei. "Can you mail this for me?"  
  
Rei scratched at the back of his head. "I wasn't going into town today, but I think someone else is."  
  
Before I could assure that Rei would take care of getting the letter mailed, Asako called to the two of us from a stand of trees. Rei picked me up off the chair and carried me over to Asako.  
  
I blinked twice when Asako handed me a cell phone. "We can't use these here, there's no reception."  
  
Asako smiled a knowing smile and pressed the blue cell phone into my palm. "This is the director's personal cell. For some reason, it seems to work, but only here in this spot." She looked at me as my mouth hung open. "We'll give you some privacy."  
  
Pulling Rei, who was kicking and protesting, out of the clearing, I sat on the rock, my bandaged knee aching slightly. Looking at the phone, I thought of all my friends, who I wanted to call. Before I realized what I was doing, my fingers were dialing Hayama's phone number.  
  
I couldn't understand why I can't get him off my mind lately, and I wondered what it is he wanted to tell me before I left for the mountains. Please let him be home. The phone rang once, twice, and then the muffled sound of someone picking up the line was heard.  
  
I didn't even give him a chance to talk, I knew it was him. "It's been a long time! Kurata here!"  
  
"Ku.ku.Kurata?" He said, his usual cold, flat voice meaning to be a question. My heart warmed. I realized them how badly I had wanted to hear his voice for almost three straight months. My eyes shut slightly as my mind imprinted his voice deep within.  
  
"Hayama! It's me, are you doing well?" Yelling and happy, my voice went through it's typical highs and lows as I spoke to him. Hayama, in his usual fashion, responded with one or two word sentences. But that was Hayama for you.  
  
"You could say that."  
  
"Right now it's break time. The phone somehow works here and I got through to you. Hey, are you listening?" Hayama was usually quiet, but today, he seemed even more so. Was something on his mind?  
  
"Yeah." He finally responded.  
  
"You said you wanted to tell me something. What was it about? What was it? Tell me what it was!"  
  
"Actually, it's over."  
  
"What was it?" I was really confused now. It had seemed so important to him that morning before I left for the movie shoot. He had gone so far out of his way to come to say goodbye.  
  
"I have another call, hold on a minute."  
  
My mind raced. I wondered what it was that was over. Now that I had him on the phone, what else could I talk to him about? I know, I'll tell him I got a bra, he'll get a kick out of that.  
  
"Sorry." Hayama said as he clicked over.  
  
"Hey. Who was that, Tsuyoshi-kun?"  
  
"Fuka."  
  
"Oh, Fuka? How is she?" Fuka? Why did Fuka call Hayama? I thought she was still mad at him for ruining her life over a kindergarten kiss.  
  
"Kurata." Hayama cut my thoughts short.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I'm dating Fuka now."  
  
What is this.feeling? Why do I feel so.devastated? Four simple words just made my stomach turn upside down. What's the matter with me, am I sick or something? What do I say now? The words came almost automatically. "Oh.yeah? Is that so? Wow.what a surprise. Well they're starting, I have to go. Yeah, see you later."  
  
Anything. I would have done anything to hang up that phone. I stared at the horizon. I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't see anything. I felt empty. I felt as if the most precious thing in my entire life had been taken away from me, and I didn't even know it was mine to begin with.  
  
Silence on the other end of the line, I slowly pulled the phone from my ear and with numb fingers ended the call. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel like I had gotten punched in the stomach? I forgot about the dull ache in my knee, and felt instead a pain in my heart. What.what was this?  
  
Rei and Asako came back for me then. I didn't hear their words, something about the filming starting again. Filming? Oh right, the movie. My part. The most important thing in my life, right? Rei picked me up and rushed me to the set, helping me to stand carefully on the stairs in front of the camera. The soft carpet underneath my bare feet was the only sensation grounding my mind to reality as the stage hands prepared to begin the shoot.  
  
Naozomi stared up at me from the landing. Was that concern in his eyes? I told him I was fine, that his fans didn't hurt me that badly, what was he worrying for now? Through the drone of the emptiness that blared in my head, I heard the director yell, "Action!"  
  
Slowly walking down the steps one by one, I looked straight ahead. I couldn't focus. I don't remember seeing anything. Lines. My lines. What were they again? I looked at Naozomi, and all I saw was Hayama's face. I faltered. "Y.y.you."  
  
"Cut!" The director's booming voice pierced the fog that was my thoughts. I barely noticed as he walked up the steps and stood before me. "I don't want such a lifeless expression in my movie."  
  
* * *  
  
Rei had carried me to Asako's cabin, setting me down on the bed. I felt like a rag doll. I had no energy, no will even to move, to eat, to so much as scratch an itch. My body felt like lead. My arms hung limp at my sides, my legs straight before me as the backboard of the bed propped my body up in a semblance of a seated position. I looked out the window. Rain. It was pouring. The drops hit the window, a solid sheet of gray had draped itself over the forest as it poured. I cast a sideways glance and noticed the trashcan. Through the wire mesh, my letter to Hayama peered out at me from where it sat on top of a number of crumpled papers.  
  
Naozomi and Rei suddenly burst in through the door. I watched wet drops fall from their clothing to land on the floor, the dry wood sucking the moisture up as if it was starving. Naozomi approached me, but not until several raindrops splattered on my face from his rain soaked clothing did I notice he was there, the cold water biting at my reddened cheeks.  
  
"What happened? What did Hayama say to you?!" He asked me urgently, as if his life depended on it.  
  
Rei, Asako and Naozomi were kneeling by the side of my bed as I began to talk. "Hey, you know Hayama and Fuka? Fuka's my best friend. They're going out now. I'm not sure why, but I was shocked. I'm best friends with both of them. It was so sudden.strange."  
  
"It's just a big shock to you, Sana-chan?" Naozomi asked.  
  
"But isn't it strange? That means that Sana-chan has feeling for Hayama- kun." Rei said.  
  
Leave it to Rei. Why does he always jump to conclusions and say the weirdest things? "No, no. It's not like that at all. Fuka is a nice person. If I think about it, it's a good match. That's all. I'm fine, don't worry about me."  
  
"Let's call Hayama, what's his number?' Rei blurted out.  
  
I felt hot, wet tears behind my eyes. What was this? Why did I feel like I needed to cry? All of this was just too much. "Stop it already! Please stop!"  
  
Through my blurry vision, I watched as Asako kicked Rei and Naozomi out of the cabin and then came back to kneel next to me. "Sana-chan, are you alright? I've heard everything from Sagami-kun, so I know a lot about Hayama. Sana-chan, you do love Hayama-kun, don't you?"  
  
I felt as though I had been on a rollercoaster that had suddenly screeched to a halt in the middle of a downhill run. "Me.Hayama?"  
  
"Of course, that's why you called him first."  
  
There's no way. "Oh, that's not it at all. It called him because I was wondering about something, and I wanted to know what it was. I know it's not love at all because I don't have a reason to love him."  
  
"A reason?" Asako asked me.  
  
"Well, my type is someone nice like Rei-kun, and I want someone who is tall. Hayama and my heights are not much different. He's a leopard and a pervert and he looks at me funny. Well.he does have a nice side to him, but I don't really love him."  
  
Asako sighed and I looked up at her. A sad smiled tugged at her lips. "Sana- chan, you don't need a reason to love someone. You just realized you like him. Love is like that.  
  
Suddenly, the situation was all too clear. Painfully clear. "You don't need a reason? Is that so? Then.I really do love him.and now that I realize I like him.it's too late."  
  
The hold I had on the tears behind my eyes slipped, and suddenly hot streams of salty tears spilled from my eyes. I couldn't understand it. I looked at Asako questioningly. Love doesn't need a reason? My body starting to shake and I leaned into Asako for support, grabbing her shirt in my fists as I cried into her shoulder, sobbing. Why was I sobbing? All I could think of was Hayama. Hayama. Hayama.  
  
* * *  
  
I cried for hours. I spent all the tears I could afford to spend. I lay in the cabin alone, Rei was giving me plenty of space. I couldn't sleep. The blankets pulled up to my chin, I was curled up in the fetal position when a memory came to me.  
  
"If you ever need to cry, come to me."  
  
Those were the gentle words that Hayama spoke during our sixth grade field trip, the tense days before Mama released her book about my childhood. Even now his words still support me. But Hayama, when you're the one that makes me cry, what am I supposed to do? Tell me, what am I supposed to do.  
  
I looked out the window. The rain had finally stopped outside, but I could still feel the rain pouring on my heart. It hurt. I needed to stand. I was numb, but it wasn't just my body that felt that way. Climbing out of the bed, I opened the door of the cabin. Stepping out into the cool night, the chill in the post-rain air nipped at my skin. Walking off the porch, the full moon illuminated the light fog blanketing the ground.  
  
What happened to me? I try not to think of Hayama, but the tears come again and again. I can't get him out of my head. Walking in the grass, I turned to see Naozomi standing before me. What could he want? "I can't stop thinking about you, Sana-chan."  
  
My stomach turned. I had already told him that I didn't love him back, why was he being so persistent? Can't you see that I'm in pain right now? Tears threatened my eyes again with their salty sting. I tried to bite them back to hold them at bay. One lone tear slipped down the swell of my cheek. "I'm no good!" I cried out to him.  
  
Naozomi wore a surprised expression. "Sana-chan."  
  
"It seems that Hayama turned me down. And when I think about you, I'm too occupied with myself. My mind is all messed up! I never knew I was such a weakling. I've had enough!"  
  
My breath came in ragged gasps as I expressed my feelings. I looked up at Naozomi and faltered when I noticed his tears. "Why.are you crying?"  
  
"Because you're crying, Sana-chan."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"For you, Sana-chan." Naozomi lunged forward and embraced me. My arms hung limp against my sides as I stared vacantly forward. I was still thinking about Hayama, even as Naozomi continued to profess his love to me. "For you, I can do anything, even if you love someone else."  
  
"Nao-"  
  
"I'll always be here for you Sana, so don't cry. Don't cry." Naozomi cut me off, tightening his hold around me, crushing my body into his.  
  
"Naozomi-kun." My thoughts wandered. They wandered to Hayama, to being in his arms, to being comforted by him. Only Hayama. Hot tears coursed down my face. "I'm sorry, Naozomi-kun. I'm so sorry."  
  
I felt bad for him as he began whimpering, crying harder than before. He must have been hurting as badly I was hurting. After all, wasn't he going through what I just went through? Rejection? And yet, all I could think of was my own loss as I started up at the sky.  
  
Hayama. Hayama..I need you Hayama. I love you Hayama. But where do I go from here? Tell me, where do I go from here?  
  
* * *  
  
Owari.  
  
A/N: This is a departure from my normal style of writing, so I hope you found it enjoyable. After watching this episode, Sana's character really moved me. Through out the previous 59 episodes, we see Sana as a resilient child who can bounce back from anything that life can throw at her. We've seen her experience every emotion except depression until this episode. It made me see Sana as more of a real person, so I just had to write about it. Thanks for reading! 


End file.
